i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i out mim tonsoeep
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