I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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