the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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