I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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