Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
