I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize