I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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