I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
