just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my shit smells like andre
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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