this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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