im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
