I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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