this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
