what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
