my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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