I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
