You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
