Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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