I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
