Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
