Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Two words: nipple clamps
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