Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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