Can i not drive my cunt home
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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