Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
