Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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