If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
