made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
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