she looked like the before picture.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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