If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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