Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
