The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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