I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize