man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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