I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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