They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
