My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
