quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
