so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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