Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
