This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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