I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
