In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
