That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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