just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
