one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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