It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize