Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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