She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
