She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Life is so much better after having sex.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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