ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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