the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize