I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
