After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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