Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
