All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
