I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
