Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
