Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize