As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
