I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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