Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
