I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
