Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
