look no pants
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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