That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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