I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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