I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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