why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
